the last time.

Days like today take me back to the simplicity and magick of sitting outside with my mom.
That was our thing.
We didn't really need to complicate things more than they were.
We found joy in sitting in the sun, being next to one another -
And whether words were said our silences soothed,
We were together…
And life was good.

I didn't know then that life was teaching me to cherish the sacredness of these still and soft moments. Those rare sips and glimpses of ease and peace woven within the madness.
Oh, how I took them for granted...
What I wouldn't do for just one more moment sitting in the sun,
Sharing story and struggle and memories and again,
Even long and tender silences -
I didn't realize the magick being made,
the healing being done -
As we laughed…
As we cried…
As we allowed the time to flow…

Before life would knock us back into the inertia that is currently our definition of living these days.
Hustle hard and rest rarely.
Profit over people.
No pain no gain.

Sigh.

If only I had known then what I so very cherish and live now.

We are not our things - or even our pain.
We are our moments - we are our love.

Which is what you often can't remember when thrown into the midst of a day's work and night's restlessness to do it all again tomorrow. When you’re spinning - - - you don't always realize you are spinning. The dysfunction becomes your normal. You gotta survive. There's no energy left to think about thrive...

So it’s no wonder I forgot to share what my heart felt and eyes had the honor to see during my final and few short and so very sweet moments with my mom.

I also didn't know they would be the last.

You never know that it will be the last time.

Oh, If I only could,

I would have told her how cute she looked.
Eats me up every time.
I wonder how often she heard how beautiful she was.
She was wearing capris and tennis shoes - like the cute mom ones with the tie up laces…
a black shirt.
Tee shirt.
Cap sleeves I believe.
It begins to get blurry.
Which is why I delight in being able to write it down.
(thank you)
Her spirit was bright.
She filled the room with her love.
Even though she was exhausted.
Defeated.
Hit in a million directions.
She was literally saving the day and living her inertia and still kicking ass and taking names.
Simultaneously suffering and savoring all at once.
She was our light.
Our nucleus.
And like a million bajillion times before,
She was showing up for all of us in all the ways she possibly could.
I still don't quite understand how she did it all.
Fucking amazing that woman.
My mom.
We ate ice cream sitting on the kitchen counter.
Making the most out of the dysfunction that was our life.
Things were a real mess those finals days/weeks/months/years.
You lose track in it.
She had just traveled from her work to my house in between picking up my nephew due to the bullshit of life happening behind our scenes. So much was happening. And it seemed we could only talk about it to each other. And we did. In a way we could laugh. Cry. Complain. And again - the sacred silence of just knowing we were there together.
Holding it all.
And trying not to lose hope.
(or our shit)
It was hard to make space to appreciate and savor with all that we were juggling.
Yet, without even knowing we were,
I do believe we did.
She showed me how to hold space.
And we held space for one another.
I would thank her for being my constant.
Those moments of us braving the world and carrying on...
It was our fuel that carried our endurance.
But like anything that does not have proper love and tenderness and care,
It could not sustain.
So I lost her.
And so much more.

However,
It’s only when we are lost
that we can begin to be found.

And now I find by having this beautiful support and circle around me -
This team, this dream, this knowing of what is possible in persistence with love as the lead -
I am able to withstand this storm knowing with certainty we will rise beyond and through.

How could we not with all we have cultivated and created together these last 5+ years.

It’s pretty bam amazing.

And I never intend to take it for granted.

I love you all so much.
I wouldn't be this steady and strong without you.
I trust with all I have that we will sustain.
Due to the dedication, giving, and loving we have held and shared these past 5 years and more.

It will carry us through this mess that is transformation.

And to endure this process we must fuel up to max capacity.
Which requires radical rest fused with radical joy.
And keeping the light on - & - the love pouring - - -
Especially when it seems bleak and blank and dark.

So I kindly ask today,
If we can pause and take a moment to appreciate the space we are in.

What needs to be said?
Savored?
Seen?

The simplicity within the complexities.
The beauty within the destruction.

Can you find it?
Feel it?
And be with it?

That's the work.
That's the effort.

And we each have everything and more for what it takes to endure.

Love.

So as I sit and savor these last few moments of sunlight under the sky I breathe deeply with so much love and gratitude for the ways in which I/we have endured.

I can feel my mama in the breeze.

She knows.

She knows.

And now so do we.

We are together.

Even if it looks differently.

We are together.

and we are strong.

and soft.

and sacred.

we will endure.

how could we not?

there is still so much goodness here.

(thank you)

love & light & softest of breezes,

keri