Right where I am meant to be

Yesterday I received one of the greatest compliments from a client,

He said that he only knows two people in his life that are doing exactly what they are meant to be doing.
One is his nephew,
and the other is me.

I wouldn't say this comment jolted me,

I would say it jazzed me.

It sent joy into my bones, body, and soul.

I stood there - receiving these words from a warrior, friend, chosen family, client and allowed myself to hear what he had to say - even if it was about me (tends to make me uncomfortable - I am working through that!)

In the lights of my own space - our own space - I allowed myself to speak from my heart and simply said:

Wow.

Thank you.

I just love it.

I love that you love it.

I love that we get to do this together.

And that is truly the truth.

Every day is a gift that I get to walk into our space and lead from my heart, move our bodies, breathe, sweat, cultivate magick, and release that which does not serve me or us.

Everyday.

It is truly a dream.

It has not been a dream that got me here.

In fact, I would say the complete opposite of dreaming got me here,

It was hell,

It was horrible,

It was however,

what I needed to experience,

So I could come into this moment,

And truly appreciate it for all it is.

and create my living dharma.

I had to endure suffering,

so I could cultivate my compassion.

(Divine being having a human experience)

Being a studio owner and teacher was not apart of the plan.

And I will always be the first to admit,

I have no clue what I am doing even if this is the new Divine plan.

I just choose to trust the flow of my life and to do what comes so naturally for me:

Cheering ya’all on!!!

and doing it from the source of the heart:

Radical and Radiant Love & Gratitude!

To be right where I am meant to be,

and to know you all see it and feel it too,

means more than I Can say.

Especially since it took major disappointments and setbacks and valleys of suck and pain to get me to where I am today:

Living in alignment with all of you.

(thank you, Universe!)

I am sharing this with you today for many reasons.

I want you to know our life does not always move to the pace of our own plan,

It will however find a Divine flow for the BIGGER plan if we allow it.

That’s all I have been doing.

Allowing the natural flow of my life,

All on Divine time,

With Divine Signs,

And Divine Guidance,

Ever since the humanness of my life no longer made any sense.

I am no stranger to disappointment. Loss. Shame. Uncertainty…

Nothing I thought would be is at this time.

Everything is new to me.

And where I used to resist this newness

(Grief was still fresh and trauma all too real)

I am beginning to ease into it and truly appreciate it for all it is.

Living a constant reminder:

Nothing lasts.

Everything changes.

I know this.

I lived this.

I learned this the hard way.

So here I am.

In this now.

And to know you see me,

And accept me,

And to some extend enJOY sharing in on this experience,

It's more healing and hopeful than any words can say.

It's a feeling.

A feeling of awe.

Power.

Hope.

and the ability to Dream again.

I can dream again!

No mud. No lotus.

No dark. No light.

Choosing love in the anguish of grief,

Choosing compassion in place of the default of fear,

And being open to the truth that I get to choose,

And I can choose what feels right over what logically makes sense,

Has led me here.

Right where I am meant to be.

Doing what I was made to do.

With you.

(Insert head shake and smile because again:

It is just crazy!!!)

And just for some fun facts,

Prior to taking on this dream,

I was drained, defeated, and living in a state of delusion and denial.

I wasn't awake.

But that all changed on July 4th, 2013, when I found my parents dead from homicide and suicide by cop. That was enough to shatter my reality and bring me to a feeling of defeat and despair I hope you never have to feel.

And even after that blow,

Many followed.

For nothing is singular.

And in losing our loved ones,

We also lose much more.

I had to wake up to the fact that real harm has happened to me.

I had to hold space for seeing my parents as more than my parents,

Human beings too,

Who endured so much pain and trauma in their stories,

Experiences hidden from me,

Yet the byproduct of these experiences were not.

Taking us on a ride of low after low after low,

until finally the lows could not come anymore...

I began to see the pattern of harm after harm being repeated.

And I knew I had to take my healing seriously so I would not contribute to this cycle of pain.

I had to honor my own compass (my heart and gut) above and beyond anyone else’s perspective, opinion, expertise, or way.

It was the first in a series of decisions where I had to start honoring me and make choices that supported my healing. Which again, not everyone is always going to have our best interests at heart, it doesn't matter… my own healing matters. Your own healing matters. Our healing matters.

It hasn't been easy.

It has been worth it.

Something magickal happens when we allow the struggle to wipe us clean and we await to see what's waiting for us on the other side of this darkness.

Freedom.

Wholeness. (remember: when you break you get to decide how you put the pieces back)

Authenticity.

The darkness isn't the tomb, it’s the womb.

Just as PTSD is real,

So is PTG:
POST Traumatic Growth!

I am living it.

I am breathing it.

And I want to remind you that you too are meant somewhere, doing what you LOVE, creating what only you can create, and shining like only you can shine.

Even if where you are now,

and what is behind you,

has been dark, bleak, hopeless, and harmful...

There is always a way through.

And sometimes our journey,

even with all it's pain and confusion,

prepares us to be the Warriors we are:

the ones this world has been waiting for.

This world can dim our lights in so many ways.

Trauma hijacks us individually and collectively - losing our authenticity and our humanity - and allowing ourselves to slip into the lanes and boxes manufactured for us - not made for us.

We get caught up in the worry and default of ego in our minds, bodies, and souls losing our ability to dream and create.

We hurt and are given no outlet for the pain,

And whether consciously or unconsciously,

We repeat the cycle:

Harm after harm after harm.

To ourselves.

And to each other.

I couldn't do that anymore.

I couldn't allow the loss of my 2 favorite people leave me with a fearful and vengeful heart.

Where it may have been easier to choose hate and anger,

I chose love.

And it is forever the greatest decision of my life.

That has been the only way through this journey for me.

Staying with my broken heart.

Feeling this depression and despair.

And loving myself through the pain.

Hanging out with my broken body and soul.

Breathing into anxiety and fear.

And loving myself through the sensations.

Slowing down and feeling the intensity of my loss.

Allowing my grief to take up space.

And loving my grief, loving my loss, loving the vacuum sadness that held me.

Each ebb.

And each flow.

Loving myself.

And loving those who harmed me.

And by doing that,

And trusting the process of Divine timing,

Picking up the pieces that made sense and would support me through this,

And leaving everything else behind,

I have slowly created my resilience.

It doesn't have to make sense.

It doesn't have to be neat, nice, or pretty.

It just has to be yours.

The rise.

The fall.

The spaces in between.

and all on your own time.

moving at the speed of trust.

May we all feel and savor the sensation of finding our way and knowing without a doubt:

I am right where I am meant to be.

Whether we are there in this now,

Or on our way.

There is a horizon of hope for each of us.

My hope is that we all find it, feel it, share it,

and know without a doubt:

We are all so worthy!

Thank you for reminding me I can feel alive again and that I am right where I am meant to be.

Doing what I was meant to do.

I get to be my ancestor's dream.

I get to be my own dream.

And so do you.

endure the struggle and allow yourself to receive the gifts that await.

I love you and believe in you and all of your resilience,

keri