Processing.

What just happened???!

I don’t know about you, but I am still feeling the whiplash from the series of traumatic and devastating events that have been our reality these past 72+ hours…

and even before that I was still processing the past 2+ months of living through a global pandemic…

Aye. Yii. Yii.

It’s exhausting.

So know if you are still catching up to reality or truly wherever you land and stand right now - it’s perfect and yours to see and hold - trust it trust it trust it.

These are hard and challenging times.

Which is why today I sit down to share with you all the fun- and not so fun- facts of trauma - yay! (total sarcasm with that yay… well kinda…)

It’s a yay to me in some ways to talk about trauma because when we are informed we are powerful.

When we have solid and sound facts deeply rooted in research and aligned with your own spiritual beliefs - well my friends, we are able to endure and struggle and rise through all that this life will hand us. We have that capacity. All of us do.

It just requires effort.

And being ready to sit with and acknowledge wounds.

Which is why we may avoid it - it’s uncomfortable work - so take it one small bite sized piece at a time.

Working with and living with trauma has brought me many gifts. The first one I want to share before we even get into the deep stuff is that most, if not all, trauma survivors diminish their trauma or deny that they have been through something traumatic in the first place.

We minimize our pain and maximize our discomfort.

So I want to remind you - yes you - as you read this:

You have trauma

We all have trauma

And that is nothing to be ashamed about!

Here’s the deal kids,

Prior to the breaking of the infrastructure that caused our dams to collapse and waters to rage and destroy - we were and still are living through a pandemic! COVID-19 in addition to your story - your story of triumph, tragedy, and trial - your story of struggle, strength, and softness - your story filled with scars, wounds, and shadows - holds trauma - holds pain - holds purpose - holds more than you are allowing yourself to see - so again, before Tuesday - trauma has been and still is our ground.

And that’s OK…

Because if my pain has taught me anything it is that we can heal. We can rebuild. We can evolve. Which is the entire intention behind sharing these few fun- or not so fun -facts coming your way.

First and foremost, what is trauma?

Trauma is anything that overwhelms the capacity to cope and respond; it leaves us helpless, hopeless, or out of control.

Just like everything in life - trauma is not singular. It touches all. Directly and Indirectly.

Which is why no matter where we stand today we cannot let shame or guilt drag us any more down than we already are. No matter where we stand we are all impacted and will feel the blow of this moment in a magnitude of dynamic ways long after you read this sentence. No one is exempt. So please, cut yourself some slack wherever it is you are because you are HERE and that is what matters. We have to exhale and cut the cords when shame (which fun fact is the innate feeling that you are wrong or bad or deeply deserving of harm) and guilt come into our experience. When I taught this afternoon a few of us were sharing story of survivors' guilt in sangha before practice. It is all too real and heavy and I get that because I felt/feel it too. Which means I must and you must be absolutely intentional of shedding and releasing that energy.

It does not serve in any capacity.

It drains. It disconnects. It destroys.

It reinforces damage and dis-ease.

So breathe - it’s our super power through trauma and to healing - our ability to own our breath and allow the winds of change to dance deep within our bodies - moving out that which no longer serves and creating the space for that which does. Our involuntary action we can voluntarily control.

Another fun fact: OWN YOUR BREATH OWN YOUR HEALING

Pause and take 3 deep breaths right here.

Inhale fully through your nose. Expand your nostrils. Let it all in. and pause.

Exhale through your mouth as slowly as you can. Let everything empty and soften. Pause.

(repeat 2 more times minimum)

Notice how you feel after 3 deep breaths.

That's the gateway through guilt, fear, shame, and blame…

That's how we find our ground even when everything feels groundless.

Always come back to that resource. We need it.

Especially as I start to shine light on some of the dynamics of trauma. Again, nothing singular.

What we experienced with the breaking of the dams and the flooding of our communities is a shock trauma. This is an event that happens too fast and too soon - a shock to the entire system. There’s developmental trauma - this is trauma caused by an ongoing misattunement between a child and caregiver - what happens to us as children determines if we see the world as safe or unpredictable - and the not so fun fact here is even if we can't remember our experience as children, our body does… So again, what happens to us as children is HUGE to the way in which we walk through the world. We also have systemic and institutionalized trauma. This trauma is due to lack of access to basic resources and is usually due to circumstances that impact disproportionately certain groups of people more than others (race, poverty, religion, identity, age, ableism, etc). This shows up in our culture. The ways in which we place ourselves above or below instead of among. We are all connected. There’s ancestral trauma - so without even asking for it we are born into the stories of our lineage - we take on the deep and harmful wounds in hopes that one day someone will break those cords and chains. And if we do not know who we are, or where we come from, this can leave lots of space for more uncertainty, judgement, shame, and feeling as though one does not belong - which perpetuates the harmful hijacks that trauma does to us in mind, body, soul, individually, and as our collective species.

Trauma separates us from ourselves, each other, and our truth.

Trauma lives in our body and is experienced through our nervous system. With or without cognizant consciousness, we can be triggered. When we are triggered an alarm is going off in our nervous system telling you you are unsafe. If you do not feel safe you will do everything in your power to be safe. Which means you may revert to habitual responses like fight, flight, freeze, and fold. You may give up your power. You may use your power over someone else. There’s many routes we can take here - It all depends on the situation we are in and where we stand in that moment of our life.

This shows up as anxiety, depression, cognitive disorders, limiting mindsets, lack of worth and confidence, addiction, destructive attitudes and behaviors, and more…

All individual to each story and again whether we have support, resources, and solid ground underneath our feet.

So all this and more is why we each walk through the world the way in which we uniquely do.

Our pain and whether or not we have had the resources, support, time, guidance to process our pain - more than likely it is still showing up in our daily lives - and if we do not process it - we keep perpetuating the space in between ourselves and again, each other. Disconnected.

All affects all.

Even that which we do not choose.

Which yay - another fun - not so fun - fact:

We do not choose trauma.

It chooses us.

Which is why it's a double gut punch.

We don’t want this pain.

We don't want this disconnect.

We don't want this suffering and shame.

But here we are.

Holding it all.

Even if we don't even know what we are holding.

And that’s okay.

We do not have to know anything besides this beautiful and powerful antidote to all this pain:

WE CAN CHOOSE TO HEAL.

AND WE CAN SHARE THAT ABILITY WITH OTHERS.

All affects all.

You heal, I heal. I heal, you heal. We heal, the World Heals.

That's the ultimate fun fact right there.

Insert happy dance.

When we know what we know we can begin to become aware of it as we do and start to navigate our way through this struggle and come through on the other side stronger than ever.

Not only have you endured the past 72 hours, you have endured the pandemic, you have endured the systems in which we have to stand that cause us more harm, damage, and toxicity, you have endured your youth, your ancestral baggage, your stories, all of that and more - within you and around you - you and endured it all my love - so smile - breathe and remember you have everything within you to do the most bravest action of all:

The begin this process of processing,

Right where you are with all that you have.

The fun fact is there is so much strength and sweetness and softness here.

Within you and within me.

I get the pain.

I get the guilt.

I get the disconnect.

I also know the last 5-6 years have been the most amazing transformation of my life. By sitting deep with all my pain and madness and grief and trauma - which runs deeper then finding your mom dead on your living room floor and having your final words to your father be your a fucking asshole - its more than the loss of my childhood home and well as my childhood - I am an adult now flying independent and free - and that’s only thanks to losing it all and more and making the soulful decision to no longer let shame or guilt or shoulds or coulds or woulds break me down any more - I chose to get up, one foot at a time, and I slowly found my footing as I began breaking down my traumas and creating the strongest ground out of my groundless floor - I chose to heal for me and for my mom and for my dad - and I Continue to choose to heal for them as well as you as this community and planet.

We are the ones.

We just have to remember.

Which takes me to the final fun fact of this Friday:

TRAUMA will make you want to forget all your goodness or all the goodness of this world.

Do not let it.

When it is dark we turn on the light.

When we are afraid we turn on the love.

Breathe.

Smile.

Take this in and move all that doesn't serve out.

I will be here - with you even in our distance - doing the same - living my part - processing this process of staying awake in a world that wants to push and pull us apart and keep us asleep.

Honor your experience.

One kind, loving, and informed breath at a time.

Light and Love,

Keri

****ps: new moon blessings, everyone. Know that the darkness is not the tomb, it is the womb. The space where we can birth new creations that love, support, and care for all living beings. Again - keep me accountable. How can I be of support to you? How can I serve? You are loved and never alone. Use this new moon to sow seeds of hope, love, new creations for our world and humanity to see. Smile. Breathe. Know. We are the ones. Shanti and so much Love***