Day 19: Surrender & Release

Disappointment is no stranger to me.

I have held space for her and with her for a very long time.

And one of the ways I had to navigate through disappointment was to create less expectations, which meant I had to learn to live in the moment and not so much in the ideas, concepts, discussions, plans, dreams, and hopes of the future.

Be here.

In this now.

And all will be well.

That’s what I have to tell myself.

Be here.

Feet to earth.

Breath in lungs.

Feel this moment of life.

The sweet space of 3-5 seconds or one slow complete breath.

Living in the now.

I had to learn to be mindful of my life and my mind and my happenings so I would no longer set myself up for betrayal and defeat that disappointment loves to bring.

And with that being said,

I still have to plan,

I still have to vision outward and forward,

I still have to find the balance between living in the moments of my life and still be able to glimpse into what may or may not come.

And with that practice,

I also have to prepare myself for uncertainty - because it doesn't matter how much I plan or don't plan - it doesn't matter how much I live in the now or the later or the past - in my experience of living in my body and moving through my life - I am still in the ebb and flow with one another - and I am affected by the choices, the decisions, the reactions, and the responses of all those in the inertia and gravity field that is my life. Just as those around me are impacted by my decisions and how I move through my life.

Nothing is singular.

And there is no separation.

There is depth to it all.

Even in the moment to moment.

Everything affects everything.

When my world fell apart with the loss of my parents and the imprint of destruction it left on my life, all the ideas and hopes and visions of what I saw for my future disappeared through the cracks of reality and impact and trauma.

I had to learn a really hard lesson:

I had to Let go.

In yoga, we call this Aparigraha : the practice of letting go of how I think things should be and letting go of who it is I think I am (and I could add who I think others are too) and being open to what truly is - moment by moment - breath by breath.

Non-grasping.

It’s hard work letting go.

Especially when you want so badly to hold on.

This season tends to get me.

The nostalgia.

The reminders everywhere that so much has changed.

And where I may have fallen short today is that I did grasp, I did get attached to something on the horizon, just to have the hard truth of knowing it no longer will be.

I was looking forward to this Saturday.

It would be the first time I would have been able to be with my newest niece, Lucy.

This January she will be turning 1 and I so very much wanted to savor some time with her.

My experience with her brother, Jacob, was so different.

He was with me so much as a baby and as he grew so did our bond.

He is so very special to me and it has been one of the greatest honors and privileges watching him grow and being his rock through life (that will never change).

I was also looking forward to spending time with him, too, which is more limited than ever with the space of distance and just how our lives can flow. Knowing I had just 2 more sleeps between me and them was enough to get me excited, hopeful, eager, and at the same time: no expectations!

This afternoon I received a text from my brother not to worry about this happening we had planned, kids will be doing something else…

Hit me like a ton of bricks…

“WHAT?!”

“CALL ME”

And I will own my reaction.

It was not the calmest most composed dialogue on my end - I was pretty upset to hear what my brother had to say and even more so how he said it placing the responsibility on me - which just reminds me I still have work to do and also tells me I am so very hurt.

On the phone with my brother our conversation went no where fast.

I was angry. And he was defensive.

The karmic cycle showing up again…

Who’s gonna get off this ride?!?

I vocalized my emotions and how very unfair this felt to me.

To be told it was my fault. I didn't text back enough. I didn't call and confirm.

When in my mind, all was confirmed.

This was happening.

And I was looking forward to it.

What I feel right now reminds me of pure “ick” and I feel fortunate enough to say I haven't felt this pain in awhile - which means I am healing on many levels - but when it comes to my brother and our relationship and uncovering the truth in roots of delusion can be really, really, hard. (isnt always ease-y growing along this path)

My heart hurts.

My stomach is in knots.

And all I want more than anything is just to find peace.

For myself, the kiddos, and my brother.

And to find that peace I have to be real with how I am feeling and real with how I showed up.

I have to investigate the feelings and get curious about the response (again, I still have work to do).

I didn't move from the heart - I moved from my fear.

My fear of not being able to see the people most special to me.

I didn't speak from the heart - I spoke from ego.

Loud and outraged, Feeling lied to, forgotten, not important enough for.

I grasped.

I held on.

The antecedent to tension.

And I know I have to let go…

After 11 phone calls being sent to VM,

Which took me right back to a version of myself I have been trying to shed (attached much, Keri?!),

I had to put the phone down,

I had to accept all I felt,

And just be in that moment feeling entangled by disappointment.

Feeling my edge,

I surrendered to my mat.

And released the tears I had been holding on to.

I allowed myself to collapse into support: child's pose position.

And with my breath and with my heart,

I cried…

Releasing the disappointment,

And hopefully some salve to my heart and soul with the tears.

Reflecting… I wish I had showed up better and more patient and understanding.

And I also hold space for the truth of my emotions and the deep sadness I still do feel.

The complexities of the human experience as well as the messiness of deep interpersonal work.

Surrender.

Release.

Over and over and over again.

Where I want to scream at the hypocrisy and lies,

I have to soften into reality.

Where I want to push and punch and tantrum out the raging storm within,

I have to breathe and be as gentle as possible.

Even if I got it wrong,

I can learn to get it right.

With time,

Practice,

Patience,

And unconditional love.

I allowed my mat to support me in the most beautiful way,

To hold me and allow me to feel it all. Constriction to expansion and all over again.

I surrendered myself to what is.

Doesn't mean I like it.

Doesn't mean I want it.

I do, however, have to accept it.

And isn't that how resilience is made? How lessons are learned?? How peace is attained???

I released my woe and anger to the Highest power, rolled myself up from child’s pose, stood up on my feet, and made the decision to get myself outside with my pups.

After the walk and fresh air I felt the gentle nudge to write.

Put it all down, Keri. Write it out. Share your struggle. Shine light on the pain.

Because, isn't that what this blog is all about?

To share truth.

Humility.

To find ourselves.

And to find each other.

Us courageous human beings out there having this very beautiful yet disappointing life,

And just how sensational it all can be when we are humans with open hearts.

It’s not always going to be pleasant.

And I am reminded this feeling means I love,

And I love hard.

So to balance that hard love out,

Tonight I will be soft.

And let go of the ideas.

And trust that something even better is waiting for me and the kiddos I love the mostest.

Keep doing the work, Keri. Keep doing the work.

I am not responsible for any else and the lessons they are here to learn. I am only responsible for me and this lesson has come again and it never is an accident:

Let go.

Breathe.

Surrender.

Release.

(Repeat as often as needed)

I share this with you tonight because I truly feel so much happens behind the lens in which we see each other. And when we are in pain or the ones we love are in pain (conscious or unconscious) that can be projected our way and can create reactions and responses and new horizons maybe we were not in anyway ready for. But we can do it. We can breathe and navigate through any storm.

Just know you can surrender, collapse, cry, laugh, smile, dance, fart, or anything in between before taking that next step forward into the unknown - the next moment of our life.

I thank you for being such a vital part of my joy, my healing, my connection to something greater, and holding me up when I feel down. I hope you always know and trust that I am here and willing and open to be of support and service to you, no matter what moment you are in.

May we be brave enough to let go and wise enough to know when to surrender and release all that is not serving us.

I have hope, Warriors. I have hope.

Until next time,

so much love and so much light,

Keri