Day 10: illusion

As I sit down this morning to share my thoughts, I first must get it off my heart and mind:

Intention is not impact. Intention is not impact. Intention is not impact.

My absolute intention was to sit down every single day of this month and share truth, insight, vulnerability, and give you a glimpse into the happenings behind the studio and the mission: intimacy into who it is I am and what it is I face every single day. And in that intimacy you must know my intentions (along with yours) even when they are pure of love, truth, and hope, may not always follow up with the same impact. So, for that, I am letting myself off the hook, and hope you will join me in doing the same. This grace is not to be confused with bypassing responsibility or accountability, but giving myself (along with yourself) some space to accept what we hope to do and achieve may not be what is created at that moment.

Usually, this would give me a little constriction in my heart.

I know I am healing due to the fact I know it’s all ok,

As long as I follow my heart and soul and flow with my days and the breaths I have,

And as long as I move through my heart and share that spaciousness with myself,

As long as I do my best and I know my best is going to change moment to moment,

All is and will be well.

So I thank you.

For your grace.

Your time.

And your openness to hear what it is I have to say.

So step one:

Let's remove the illusion that what we intend to happen will be the exact impact.

May we see ourselves, our choices, our thoughts, and the way we move through our day with a lens of love and know when the edge of accountability is needed and when it is not.
(balance y'all)

My days have been flowing.

And my heart is growing.

I have been intentional about opening her back up again -

And that is having a very profound impact on my life and the way things align.

I had a thought the other day…

Almost like a premonition…

That I would be coming across some of my mama’s words soon.

I saw in my mind finding more journals of hers and I didn't grasp that thought, I just trusted it for what it was - with no timeline.

And as quickly as it came,

It also quickly passed,

And my life flowed on.

This past weekend, after the Northwood Fundraiser my spirit was so high and I felt so aligned to my truth that when I got home I actually wanted to add in some holiday cheer to our home (this I have not done since 2013). Holidays were always me and my mama's time and many of my memories I cherish are of her and I putting up our Christmas tree and having that time together. White Christmas and Sound of Music playing in the background, usually her multitasking with something baking so deliciously in the kitchen, our fireplace burning brightly and so warm.

Home sweet home.

When they died we were in a place and time where everything was uncertain. The house was under bankruptcy and there was a mountain of debt neither I nor my brother could financially take responsibility for. Which meant, we not only lost our parents in one quick swoop, we also lost our home and for me most of the contents of value to my heart as well.

I didn't get into the house fast enough to take what it is I would want, the Christmas ornaments which were in the basement, and without electricity the sump pump no longer was on and our basement filled with water… Even writing this now I Can feel my eyes start to get watery and my heart constrict. I must breathe. I must let it pass. It absolutely sucked to have to let go of so much at once, but I did it.

I had to.

No other choice.

So, any who, the holidays for me have changed so much and I won't even apologize for my scrooge like self, it is the product of losing so much all at once and has left a slightly bitter taste where once it was so sweet. But again, I am being intentional about opening myself back up more than I have before and I know the Universe sees me and I know my parents see me. And in being seen I continue to receive the most precious gifts from the other side.

Saturday, I got home and got this excitement to go in our basement and pull up what little holiday decorations I have. In doing so, I found a few boxes I have yet to touch from 2013 (dont judge - its hard!) .

I open the boxes up and what do I find:

My mama’s journals!

I gasped with excitement and smiled and just started talking to her and the Divine:

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And I also giggled a little like WOW as I remembered I had this premonition, I knew this was coming, I CAN TRUST myself - such powerful validation! Thank you, Universe!

I sat down on our outdoor patio furniture which is stored downstairs right now and began to read her words.

(deep breaths)

She was lonely.

She was worried.

Anxious.

So much weight on her shoulders financially, emotionally, physically…

Her entries were at a time in our lives where we had a lot of uncertainty.

My dad had been out of a job for quite some time due to many factors and he had been given an opportunity to work for my Uncle in California. She was missing him in many ways. And something she wrote was how she was lonely when he was here, due to the illness and the byproducts of traumas they faced long before I was even born, so this new loneliness was very deep and profound for her… her and my dad truly loved each other. That was their constant. They also were 2 people who unfortunately had to suffer way too much in their lives. As children, the people they depended on abandoned, neglected, and abused them. My dad had to live with this truth on his face his entire life - something i never ever thought about while he was here. They both had many series of unfortunate events, more than I will ever even know, but even with all the mud and the pain and the harm, they were 2 amazingly kind and genuine people who provided me with stability, love, space, and their intention was never to cause me or my brother harm - but again, the impact of their wounds buried deep hijacked us in all the ways trauma and fear and worry like to. I find peace in know that somehow someway a Colorado boy and a Michigan girl found each other and truly loved each other and maybe even saved each other and though it all created me and our family. My most precious gift.

I was able to read how much my mom truly loves my dad.

I also was able to read how much pain she was in.

How much worry she was in.

It jolted me.

And she spoke to me.

In a way I may not have been ready for before.

One of my biggest thoughts and prayers daily is why can't they be here.

Why did this have to happen?

Why didn't I have this insight to compassion and knowledge about trauma when they were here?

It all would have been so different…

But truth - Satya - the practice of seeing things as they are led me through this growth moment of sitting with what was and being okay with what is. Even if its not my hearts truest desire.

I would give anything for them to be here.

But in that, I know now how much suffering they both were carrying.

My mama worked her butt off and cared for so many but in the process she had neglected herself. Reading her words I couldn't help but see the trauma playing out before us. She was in a place in her life where she now had to depend on people financially for stability that had previously caused her so much pain and harm. That’s enough to mess with the head and heart, the psyche and the soul. She was strong. So strong. And I admire her strength. But I also hate knowing she didn't get the space she needed to heal. She didn't get the opportunity I did.

That is no accident.

I must receive it.

And put my selfish wants to the side.

Having my wish granted would mean I would bring back my 2 people into this world only to place them in a situation of pain, suffering, uncertainty, oppression, and defeat. That would not be fair.

Illusion tells me it would all be well.

Truth tells me it was their time.

And that’s really hard to hold.

But I am holding it.

And breathing with it.

And trusting that maybe just maybe it all had to be the way it was,

So I could heal.

So I could learn.

So I could see things as they are.

Honestly, compassionately, and so very humanly.

So I could find my way.

I also giggled because there are so many similarities between my mama’s writing and mine.

I had just that morning written down in my journal all the things I am worthy of. One of my new practices as I heal and remember my own self worth.

And I find it so very beautiful that in her journal she did the same thing.

No accident.

All divine.

And all on time.

The Truth sets us free.

But we have to be willing to see it,

hold it,

be with it,

and trust that in this honesty clarity will be attained.

I am seeing myself a little more clearly.

I am seeing my mama and dad a little more clearly.

As well as my pain, their pain, and our shared pain.

And even my joy, their joy, and our shared joy.

There is no separation.

I get to be their living dream.

I get to be their legacy.

And I always always always am their daughter.

And for that,

I am very proud.

I share this with you today in hopes that we can begin to see ourselves, each other, and the struggle we go through with a little more truth. It may not always be pretty, neat, or what we want it to be - however, it is what is needed and necessary to heal.

The truth sets us free.

By challenging us to shed the illusions, the make believe, the denial and softening into what is and being a little more open to what may unfold from all the pain.

The first noble truth of the Buddha is that we will suffer.

How we choose to deal with the suffering is how we find our compassion.

And it is that compassion that will lead us through the pain.

I can feel myself healing every single day.

I can also feel my parents healing every single day.

Again: There is no separation.

As I come home, they come home.

And it is in the space of my heart that I know I can always find them, sit with them, and be with them. (that and the many Divine signs and gifts they share with me - thank you ,Divine!)

I am blessed.

Even in my loss.

Even in my pain.

And I thank you for being apart of the process that is leading me the truest liberation one can have:

Freedom, Peace, and Liberation from my pain.

I am so thankful for the Divine gift of my mama’s truth.

I intend to remember. I intend to forgive. I intend to LIVE in ways I never have before.

And the path that will lead me is one of great compassion and great honesty.

The path my suffering has led me to.

No accidents.

May we be honest,

May we be kind,

And may we know we are not in this alone.

May we truly allow the truth to set us all free.

Light and love,

Keri