Love over Fear

It is with intention, it is with purpose, and it is with great humility and excitement that I am happy to announce the A8 blog is back! I have given myself some time and space to just be – to tune into my life – to check in with my biases and my beliefs – to study – evolve – heal – working every day to reach that 1% better.

It has taken time, patience, and practicing who it is I want to be (faking it till I become it) and what it is I desire in my life to find the courage to sit down and return to writing.

There’s power in writing.

And there’s even more power in sharing your words.

I intend to use my words with all of you as a source of love, peace, understanding, and curiosity.

I intend to share my human experiences as a reminder that you are not alone.

I encourage you to challenge me as I hope to challenge you as we take a deep breath and good look around and within.

How am I showing up?

How am I sharing my life and this time?

I hope we can challenge each other with love – not insult – as we ask ourselves these questions.

Through curiosity and challenge rediscovery is born and beautiful change is created.

We are living in a world of constant change from our environment to every cell of our being – instead of resisting these changes what would happen if we let go of the control and just allowed our lives to unfold and flow how they are meant to be….

This has been my greatest challenge.

To detach from this idea that I am in control.

To detach from this idea that this life will be one of ease.

To detach from this idea that everything lasts forever.

Without the challenges in my life,

I would not be who I am today.

I would not see and experience life the way I do now if I had not gone through great pain, great loss, great trauma…

I also would not be as aware to my abundance and blessings without the struggle and pain I have felt and lived.

It is through my struggles that I have found my resilience.

The darkness has been my greatest teacher.

And the light my greatest healer.

I could never love and appreciate one without the other.

I have struggled with shame, fear, depression, anxiety, grief, and PTSD. I have been addicted to toxicity and doubt. I have suffered intentionally and unintentionally. Not knowing I have the ability to detach or a choice to make:

Do I love radically, compassionately, and unapologetically – myself and all living things – even though I have been hurt, betrayed, and scarred?

Or do I let all the crud, the mud, the pain, the darkness consume me and stay stuck – fighting the current of how I think things should be instead of breathing into the idea that maybe I really don’t know anything – anything but love?

Every day we have a choice.

Every day I have a choice.

A choice to stay stuck

Or a choice to flow.

Do I love?

Or do I fear?

Most of my life has been spent in fear.

And if I wasn’t living in fear –

I was using all my energy to run far away from anything that caused fear.

It wasn’t until I embraced the darkness,

befriending fear,

Opening myself up to all the feelings the dark had to offer,

That I could truly find and appreciate the light.

The moment I let the light in,

Was the moment I no longer could live in the dark.

I choose to live in Love. I choose to practice this lifestyle of compassion (ahimsa) and honesty (Satya) and to question myself and my reality every single day. Will I fail at this at times – absolutely!!!! I am only human darn it!!! And through the failure I will also have success! I will also have days where I nail it 100% and that will make up for the days where I let fear come through. And I intent to share it – again – so you know you are not alone and you too can be the shift this world so needs from fear into love.

IT is your love that has given me the courage, the confidence, and the hope to transform my life from fear to love.

When A8 found me – it totally found me – I was broken, lost, damaged, and done.

I was just a year into life after innocence.

On July 4th, 2013 I found my mom dead in our living room.

I also found my dad alive and had to call 911 on him.

I had to let my brother know.

Homicide and Suicide.

A real human experience.

A tremendous loss.

And there is so much depth to this pain, madness, and loss.

Since that moment in time,

I witness life with an entirely new set of eyes.

My parents did an amazing job at protecting me from the realities of the world –

Even if I witnessed shame, addiction, and the long-term effects of trauma –

They gave me and my brother love. A foundation of love.

And it is because of this foundation,

That I can move forward in life with love in my heart

And intention in my soul.

This has not been easy.

When there is great loss,

There is great pain.

And when there is great pain,

There is great fear.

And where there is fear,

there is great confusion.

My parents did as much as they could to shield and protect us,

But when the left this world,

So did my safety net,

So did my perception of reality.

How I thought people behaved was no longer so.

How I thought the world worked was no longer so.

Greed, Hate, Fear, Negativity, and many other lower energies followed me those first couple of years.

It showed up in people and places I did not expect -

my sanctuaries no longer safe but toxic.

I had to discover a new norm,

and that required setting boundaries and cutting cords with love.

Looking back, I am just so grateful I am where I am today.

I am grateful that even through all that chaos, darkness, heaviness, and being broken –

I have chosen to love.

I chose love when I chose to honor my dad with forgiveness, compassion, and dignity.

I chose love when I remembered the words my mom told me “don’t hold on or worry about our stuff when we go – it is just stuff, Keri” and I had to detach from our possessions. (side note: my mom brought that up to me on a car ride home about 2 weeks before their passing – I don’t believe in coincidence but definitely divine synchronicity – those words have gotten me through some rough times.)

I chose love when I had to detach from people, places, and things that did not have my highest good at heart.

I chose love when I chose to move forward from this darkness.

And I will continue to choose love as my life evolves, changes, and flows with divine synchronicity and love.

There was a moment in the darkness where I surrendered.

When your life is in crisis and your heart and soul are broken,

You find out there is nothing physical or external that can pick up the pieces.

Everything I needed was always there - within me.

So today, even as fearful as I felt to sit down, write, and share my thoughts,

I checked in with my hypocrisy’s and breathed into my center – my heart – and reminded myself this is for love – not validation.

This is the friendly reminder to whoever is reading this that you too have everything you need within.

and you too, can choose a life of love and radiate your light and magic into this world.

This is for humanity and healing.

What I experienced are my experiences,

But how much of us have felt those same sensations,

And have wondered through life lost

-until we are found.

I am so thankful A8 found me.

I am so thankful you all found A8.

I will continue to write with an open heart.

And can only hope you read these words with an open mind.

May we all be Warriors of love, peace, justice, and the truth.

May we all light up the darkness and breathe into this life.

In a gentle way we can be the shift of love this world so needs.

How will you be living in love today? I’d love to celebrate this power with you!

Light, Love, and many thanks,

Keri